Michael: Bush Declares: 'We Do Not Torture... Without a good reason"Defending U.S. interrogation practices, Bush declared boldly, "We do not torture... without a good reason. Everyone knows that we do torture people. Heck we have pictures. I keep the better ones in my desk drawer in the Oval Office and look at them when I'm sittin' in there with war on my mind. But I promise that we won't torture anyone who is not in U.S. custody. And of those in U.S. custody, we won't torture anyone if they aren't brown skinned and speak a foreign language. The rest, we render to legal jurisdictions for torture and don't do it ourselves. In any case, we can't have any of this nonsense from the Senate about not torturing people under any circumstances, because it doesn't take into account the nuance of the situation. I pledge to be the torture President."
White House spokesman McClellan clarified the President's statements. "The President meant, of course, that we don't torture civilians. Only enemy combatants who have no rights or status as human beings under American law. Who is designated a enemy combatant is totally within the discretion of the President. Helen Thomas?"
"Scott, so the President is saying that he'll torture whomever he wants?"
"Hellen, I think we all know that you don't support the broader war on terror, so the President today issued a proclamation designating you as an enemy combatant. Everyone should be aware that Ms. Thomas' ethnicity is Arab... yes, that's right, she one of those. Ms. Thomas, the Secret Service will escort you to Vice President Cheney's bunker for sexual humiliation before your rendition."
John Yoo, the White House office of legal counsel staffer who drafted the Administration's torture policy clarified further. "We don't actually torture anyone. You see 'torture' as defined by this Administration means inflicting pain the equivalent of major organ failure or death. We don't do that. So, under the newspeak... er, new definition of torture, all the things we do with stress positions, drowning, sensory deprivation and overstimulation, starvation and dehydration, sexual humiliation and violation, inducing respiratory distress, physical beatings and dog assaults, aren't actually torture. In fact, the multiple homocides that have occured in U.S. detention camps around the world aren't torture either, because the pain those persons underwent wasn't the equivalent to the pain of death, it was the pain of death. So you see, the U.S. doesn't torture people at all."
For the stupid: The preceeding has been satire and not actual quotes.