Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Michael: Nero To Lead Inquiry

Emperor Nero announced today that he would lead an inquiry into the burning of Rome. Interrupting his month long festival of fiddle concerts for a press conference, the Emperor said that he and his retinue were, “working hard, to ensure we fix what’s wrong and duplicate what’s right” about the Imperial government’s response to the Rome fire. Asked for an example of what would be duplicated, the Emperor told the reporter. “What? Are you some kind of Persian sympathizer? Get that asshole outta here!”

While the Emperor has said that “we’re not going play the blame game,” when asked about where responsibility lay for the recent total destruction of Rome by fire while thousands of volunteer bucket brigades stood awaiting orders outside the city and the legions remained in their barracks, members of the Imperial party have repeated affixed blame to the victims of the fire for being “too flammable,” and the urban quaestor for being burned to death along with his lictors early in the conflagration. “The irresponsible death of local officials left Imperial officials with no one to say ‘tag, you’re it,’ to them, and thus helpless to assist,” said the director of the Imperial Emergency Management Agency.

The leader of the Imperial Senate remarked insightfully about the tragedy in Rome, “I think that we probably shouldn’t rebuild Rome. It was exposed to oxygen and that made it very likely to burn. We should probably rebuild it somewhere where there isn’t so much oxygen, if we rebuild at all.” When criticized for his comments, the leader clarified his remarks, saying, “I just meant that when we rebuild Rome, we should get rid of all that oxygen, first.”

Despite misgivings, the Senate is likely to approve funding for the rebuilding of Rome. The Vice Emperor, former CEO of Halliburtoni, a major construction company expected to receive billions of sesterces worth of no-bid Imperial contracts, is quoted as saying, “Buy all the shares of Halliburtoni you can get your hands on… Hey, I’m dictating a papyrus here, get the hell out of my bunker!”

The Imperial Spokes-slave, when asked why the Emperor was starting an inquiry into the Rome fire when the Senate has already begun two independent inquiries, said, “The Emperor’s inquiry will be untainted by partisan politics. And the Emperor’s final report will have a much greater public relations budget than the Senatorial reports, so as to get the propaganda out there. To catapult the truth, as it were.”


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