Friday, June 24, 2005

Michael: Bush vows to defeat Iraqi rebels

Speaking to reporters in an improptu press conference with troublesome Quisling Ibrahim Jaafari and what GOP insiders are calling the "Neo-Rough Riders", Mr. Bush said, "The enemy's goal is to drive us out of Iraq - they will not succeed." Then Bush whipped out an M-16 and brandished it around yelling, "I'm gonna whip those towl-heads myself, since our boys haven't been able to do the job yet."

Mr. Bush, along with his entire executive staff and cabinet, and including several key Neo-Cons from various think tanks and media organizations, are due to lift of from Brandenberg this evening for a night flight to Iraq. The President vowed that once he arrived, he would begin to withdraw US troops "with honor" as he and his crew of Neo-Rough Riders would be taking over all combat duties in Iraq.

Asked whether he thought that rather than quelling sectarian violence and defeating the insurgency, if American presence in Iraq was instead providing political cover for a civil war by Sunnis and swelling the ranks of the guerillas, Bush typically ignored the question and answered with a talking point, saying "This is not the time to fall back... we owe it to those who have made sacrifices to continue towards the goals." What those goals were, or when we might be expected to arrive at them, where left coyly ambiguous.

Asked whether he and his ill-trained and poorly equiped squad of aging armchair warriors had any hope of succeeding in forcing a military solution to the Iraqi insurgency when the full might of American arms had failed, Bush responded with typical bravado and uncharacteristic candor:

"I started this thing, and I'm gonna finish it, see? This whole mess is my responsibility and I'm not the sort of guy that asks others to fight my battles for me. The unfailingly wise American people have spoken. More than half of them think this war is a mistake. I'm putting my own butt on the line to prove them wrong. I'll either return with my shield, or on it."

Snap polls taken following the President's announcement are showing the highest favorability ratings for Bush since shortly after 9/11. Pollsters attribute much of the surge to people's positive reactions to Bush's promise to come back on his shield.


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