Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Michael: The Hunter S. Thompson 'Gonzo' Memorial Freedom of Ordinance Act

Via The Arizona Daily Star.

The Arizona House preliminarily passed HB 2666, which would allow people to carry weapons (including guns, hand grades, rockets, mines and other ordinance) nearly anywhere, so long as they are only intending to protect themselves or others. That would include the floor of the House and Senate. As a CCW permit holder and gun owner, I think this is a great idea.

I would, however, offer the modest proposal that this bill be renamed in honor of the late Hunter S. Thompson, as a fitting tribute to the gonzo lifestyle he pioneered. His love of guns, and explosives, and the right of all Americans to use them... frequently, has long been an inspiration to millions. Wherever Thompson has washed up, I'm sure it will make him feel warm and fuzzy to know that people are shooting and blowing things up in his name.

The Arizona legislature has taken the example of this great man to heart. They have embraced the gonzo way. The unofficial policy of the GOP caucus is to practice what they are terming ‘gonzo governance.’ The first, and most savage demonstration to date of their new ethos was seen Tuesday when discussing and passing HB 2666. The legislators started floor procedures by cleaning their handguns while popping amyl nitrates, huffing ether, and gobbling down fistfuls of barbiturates. Before long, several of the representatives dragged several desks into the well, hacked them up, and lit them on fire with a small fuel-air device. Unfortunately, several minority members where caught in the over-pressure, and their internal organs were turned to jelly.

House Speaker “Jack” Weiers, then set loose a wild javelina in the chamber and the caucus really perked up. Representatives were jabbing sharpened flag staffs at the wild pig, firing wildly in its direction, and kicking up a hell of stink as they stripped off their clothes and fashioned crude garments out of the Arizona Revised Statues books. Once the pig was dead and “Jack” Weiers had made a ceremonial robe out of it’s uncured skin and head, brave little Teddy Downing got up on a table to make a motion to amend. He stammered out his amendment, nervously pushing up and then cleaning his glasses, while GOP caucus members circled his desk, piling accelerants around it and chanting, “Piggy! Piggy! Piggy!”

Ted’s amendment passed; but alas, so did he. Such are the savage risks of gonzo governance.

UPDATE: Rep. Quelland, who sponsored the bill, has pulled it. Apparently, the going to too weird and full of fear and loathing for the part-time legislator. Instead, the GOP caucus will attempt to carve the training requirements for CCW permits down from a measly 16 hours, to a paltry 8. Yahoo! Pistol packin' mamas can be churned out in one day instead of two. Having taken this training myself, I assure you, it is already cursory at best.


At 7:58 AM, Blogger Kevin said...


Just a little grammar.

"Ordinance, (noun): a law set forth by a governmental authority; specifically: a municipal regulation"

"Ordnance, (noun): military supplies including weapons, ammunition, combat vehicles, and maintenance tools and equipment"

I'd LOVE a "Freedom of Ordinance" Act, though a "Freedom of Ordnance" Act will do in a pinch.

(j/k: But in my slightly twisted worldview I thought your quite common error was amusing.)


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