Thursday, December 09, 2004

Humor: CA's letter to Bush

Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us who don't believe in a violent, vengeful, and Caucasian Jesus.  Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in blueland, so we're leaving you for the New Canada.  In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, all of the Northeast states, and possibly urban Ohio.     
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody.   You redland folks will have to work on your pathological lying about important stuff and other dysfunction, and live up to that "independent" talk without the billion$ of subsidies from the blue states.  We blueland folks will have to clean up professional sports and Hollywood.  In fact, God is so excited about it that God is going to shift the whole country at 4:30 EST this Friday, so let everyone know that they need to get back to their state of choice by then.  We get the Pacific Coast, but God is letting you have the KKK and country music, except for the Dixie Chicks,  Johnny Cash, and Ray Charles' country stuff.    
Just so we're clear, the New Canada will be solidly with the poor and the middle class, as egalitarian as Norway, and anti-preemptive war.   Speaking of war, we're going to need all the Blue state citizens back from Iraq.  If you need people to fight there, just ask your patriotic evangelical voters.  Perhaps they will actually put their patriotism where theirs mouths are,  unlike you, Cheney, Delay....   Evangelicals have lots of kids who they're willing to send to Iraq because of those weapons of mass destruction.  And they won't protest if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.  
So you get all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and the salmon.   We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though.  She IS from the South, right?
Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows.   Maybe Ann Coulter for Letterman and  the Jerry Falwell show for the Daily Show.   Maybe you could ask your people at Fox for replacements for Leno and O'Brien.    They've got some very funny people.
We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you will find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon. 

(Ed. Can Arizona come with if the rest of the state boots out Maricopa? Please?)


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